Fucked Up

So, I knew when I had D read my last post, that I was going to be in mountains of shit, but I don't really think I thought it out all the way.

Because... dude... I'm way up shit creek.

He isn't even giving it a number, he's just gonna spank me until he gets tired. I am so not looking forward to our little "talk", even though I can't wait til he gets here. Ugh.

I felt really bad about it when he first found out, because he was like "Are you trying to prove something?" I felt soooo bad and I've been thinking about that question a lot.

No, I'm really not trying to prove something to him, it's just I have a cycle of obediance. It is nearly impossible for me to think something stays the same ALL the time. Sure, I'll know something happens THIS time, but who's to say it'll happen a month from now? And even as consistant that D is, I still haven't gotten it quite through my thick skull that rules are RULES and will remain rules until agreed as otherwise.

Soooooo....

So, lately I've been having problems with the whole not texting while driving thing. I mean, I'm not texting EVERY time I drive, but I've probably sent over 10 texts while in the driver's seat of my car. I'm not really quite sure exactly how to tell D, cause I DON'T want to get in trouble because of it, even though I know it's a rule... and a big one at that.

I'm pretty much just screwed.

I was doing SO WELL! I only have like... a hundred or so, so far, and here I am fucking the whole sha-bang up. I have to tell him somehow, but I really... REALLY don't want to.

WHEW

Wow, I totally missed blogging the week I was in Florida! Woww... Was my trip informative!!

I was going down to Florida to visit with an online friend I've had for about 2 years, and already met once. I spent 5 days at her house.

You all know the phrase, "The best way to lose a friend is to move in with them"?

Well, I found out why that phrase is so accurate. Kay and I are still friends, close ones in fact, but we both have realized that we could NEVER live in the same household. We both have strong personalities and like winning arguments; and to each other refuse to be the passive one to calm the tension.

Don't get me wrong, I still love her to death, but I about killed her while there lol.

Finkin wiff mah brain

So I follow a good handful of blogs, and even though I don't have a SINGLE FOLLOWER!!! I don't let that get me down, and I continue to write here for the entertainment of myself and D. So there. Hmmphh..

ANYWAYS! Where I was going on that before I started ranting, is that I was reading something and it made me start thinking. Now, the person who writes the blog I'm about to quote is a slave in a O/p relationship and is talking about her feelings toward choices. The sad part is that it somewhat applies to me as well.

Lately, I’ve had far too much autonomy, and for too many choices, and it is fucking. me. up. Give me a choice and I’ll choose the opposite of what I know is wanted, and often the opposite of what **I** want, just because choices piss me the fuck off. <Under His Hand, kaya>

I totally get this. While D and I aren't in anything close to an O/p relationship, and are not aspiring to ever plunge into that type of relationship, I totally get what she is talking about here. Choices, on their own, do not "piss me off" like she states, but I would, overall, prefer to just be told. I'll try to talk D out of things I want sometimes, just to see if I can do it.

There was also a quote that she put that made me think.

Eughhh...

So, I'm hopin' that D doesn't decide today is the day that he is going to come read my blog before we talk, cause I am seriously digging myself a good-sized grave here.

I'm not sure what part of me decided that not rescheduling the traffic-school date for a day that I didn't work was a good idea, but apparently it was a good-sized part of me, since I didn't call in and reschedule again. Therefore today, instead of going to work, I am going to call out and go to the traffic school instead. I can not call in today and request a reschedule, because it is too late; I should have called yesterday, but I didn't.