Warning to all followers, this is just an emotional rant. For your own good, please do not click "Read More" if you a) don't care about my emotional tangents, b) will unsubscribe to my blog because it isn't about sex/spanking.
You have been warned.
So, I don't know what it is, but I am insanely unhappy right now. I've had reasonably good conversations with D lately; though I still remain unhappy.
I am unhappy with myself. I am insecure and want constant reassurance that he does in fact like me and doesn't just talk to me because he has nothing better to do with his time. I can't ask that though, because it's ridiculous; if someone was to ask that of me, I would run the opposite direction for fear of clinginess.
Just the other day he said I was smart. I have gone over that conversation over and over in my brain and I honestly can't believe that he said it for any other reason than he was trying to get me to stop crying. If he told me that it wasn't; meaning he actually DOES think I'm smart, he wasn't just trying to make me feel better, I would be okay.
Last time we were together he told me he was getting attached, and now I am so insecure in the thought that maybe he's changed his mind now.
My brain automatically goes to 'People don't actually like me, they just spend time with/talk to me when they don't have anything better to do' and I overall just trust no-one. This also applies to him, even though I'm supposed to trust him... I mean... I'm dating him aren't I?
I can't expect him to read my mind and tell me I'm pretty to him/I'm smart/he likes being with me, without my asking. That's simply ridiculous. Alas I then run into the problem where I don't want to sound like a clingy, insecure girl.
Even when I post this blog he won't find out cause he doesn't read it. He never reads my blogs.
Onto a more pleasant topic:
I bought him a Christmas gift tonight. He'll love it. He's talked about loop canes the ENTIRE time we've been dating and I've talked about delrin canes the majority of the time we've been dating, so I got him the delrin loop cane!! Inno right!? It'll be amazing man.
He doesn't know about it. He knows I'm getting him something for the bedroom, but that's it. I already got cuffs and he knows about them, but the cane will be a surprise. I am totally thrilled.
Work hasn't been too bad since I started back, and I'm liking my coworkers. Things are all going alright right now other than my being an insecure disaster. :)
I'm debating on commenting...but I think I will. First, hugs to you. I've been in your place before and here's how I got out of it:
ReplyDeletea. I got myself good and single.
b. I developed my own self-worth wholly apart from what other people thought about me. That meant developing my interests, talents, and trying to figure out where I fit without anyone else interfering.
c. I found out that I really, really like myself. I mean, truly. And after I figured that out, I considered people LUCKY to be with me, not the other way around.
All of this comes from you, not from someone else. You cannot find sufficient validation in outside praise.
That's my ten cents worth.
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Pink
Thank you for commenting, I'm really just having a terrible week. I will definitely think about what you've said, it has given me things to think about.
ReplyDelete:)
I hope your week gets better!
ReplyDeleteNo woman, ever, should use a man to gauge her self-worth. If he thinks you're smart and if he thinks you're pretty, it should just be the icing on how you already feel about yourself. And I think you should feel pretty damn good!
Just tell me to shut up now.
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