Work and Watchin Movies

So, today was pretty uneventful in the long run. I wasn't cramping NEARLY as badly as I was yesterday, so work was nowhere near as terrible as it could have been. I laughed a lot today, which isn't all that different than usual, but that also helped the day go by quicker.

After my lunch break I got sort of hyper and z-snapped at a coworker; a customer saw me and laughed saying something along the lines of "I won't tell anyone you did that..." So I laughed and told her it didn't matter, I do those sorts of things all the time. She just replied with, "Well, I'm not telling anyone anyway.." and I z-snapped at her. She thought it was hilarious and the whole ordeal pretty much made my day.

Also these 'Christian' people came into the store wearing these shirts that read "Have you heard the awesome news!? Jesus is coming back on May 21st!" They were also driving a van that had scriptures and the date painted all over it.

I nearly died.

Cramps and Control

So, to start this blog out I am going to run down why I'm writing so early on a day that I'm supposed to be at work. It is 12:18 CST right now, and I was supposed to work 10-7.

I am having the absolute WORST cramps I have ever had in my entire life. Everything was hurting at work, and it all came in waves. I'd be semi-fine for a couple minutes then it would hit again and nearly make me throw up. I felt like shit on a stick.

I asked to go home an hour and forty-five minutes after I got there cause there was NO way I was going to be able to handle that pain and be any kind of productive. I actually feel bad about leaving, but I really couldn't handle it. OW.

Anywho, back to what I was planning on writing about... I'm going to be writing about the mental gymnastics that I go through whenever I submit to D to better understand it myself. If i get confusing, I am sorry... I write the way I talk lol.

No.

Well... My life just got easier. There was this guy that I fooled around with before D and I got together, and I was having a hard time trying to figure out how I was going to tell him that I was not looking for someone to play with anymore cause I found someone. Turns out his life took a shit turn not too long ago, and he isn't playing anymore. We talked just a few minutes ago, and as much as I hate that shit happened to him, I can't help but to be relieved that I didn't have to say no lol.

Does that make me a bad person?

Probably.

I have a hard time telling people "no", I'm more of a Avoid until they forget about it/change the subject kind of girl, lol. This paired with me being impulsive makes for me being in BAD situations... FAST.

For example, with money...

PMS

So I've been craving random shit for like the past week. I never crave sweet things... it is very rare that I wake up in the middle of the night and the first thought that crosses my mind is "I need something sweet... NOW". I've had this craving as well as Chinese food (which isn't all that rare, actually).

Today, though, the regular PMS symptoms came to head. I realised at work just how much I hate being told what to do by people not in charge of me. When my hormones are at normal levels and I'm not fighting the urge to scream at my coworkers, I can usually just grin and bear it; today, on the other hand, I about chewed Buffalo* out.

I was bagging and it was windy, cold, and raining outside. On a normal day, I love this kind of weather. I love going out and walking in the rain and laughing and having a blast. Today I woke up chilly so wind/cold was no bueno... as well as cold+rain+wind= freezing to death.

I was bagging an order when Buffalo comes up and tells me to go get carts from the parking lot. The words I wanted to say to him would have not been work appropriate so I held my tongue, took a step backward, saluted, and replied "Yes, sir!" about as sarcastic and cutting as I could make it as I turned to go out the door. And the only reason I went out when he told me to was because it was my cart hour and had I stayed inside I would have ended up saying something I would have never regretted... but would have been repremanded for.

Communication

Communication is something that I hold in high regard. I think it is fundamental in any relationship whatsoever, and even more vitally important in a Top/bottom relationship. Every friendship relies on communication of some sort, any romantic relationship requires communication to keep it going, but there are several reasons that I believe communication is vital in a D/s relationship.

Antsy

So, these last couple days have been crazy in my head.

I'm probably the only person ALIVE that goes through the mental gymnastics that I go through, but oh well lol. This happens nearly every time I receive any sort of spanking/punishment from someone, and I'm not sure why it happens, so I'm going to try to self-analyse this shit to figure it out.

So here's the cheese; I get whupped for whatever reason, be sore and determined I'm going to be good, a couple days pass and I feel this nervous anxiety that makes me want to push buttons/break rules/be a smartass/get in trouble. This happens EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

I thought for a while that it was something that only happened when I got online spankings (cyber'd out.. don't judge lol) cause they weren't real and I didn't actually feel it. Turns out I get the same feeling when it's a real life spanking.

I have an idea as to what it could be, but it's personal to me... I feel dumb thinking/feeling this way, but as a close friend of mine says "You can't control what you feel." So here goes, feel free to run screaming in the opposite direction lawl.

Taken

So last night I guess D and I made it official that neither of us are looking for someone else. I'm very happy about it lol.

I'm getting less sore as time is passing, and I'm actually kind of sad. When I'm sore I have a constant reminder of the fact that everything DID happen, and D is in charge now, and he WILL make sure I know it. When I'm not sore, I don't have the constant reminder, and it makes me sad lol.

Besides, I really like being sore lol.

Ugh, by the time I go to work on Thursday I have to have my laundry done. FAIL FAIL FAIL

I sincerely despise doing laundry... I need to hire a maid lol. But yeah, I know noone particularly enjoys doing laundry, but I would rather wear dirty clothes than do laundry. I don't wear dirty clothing simply because I hate doing laundry, but if that was a valid option I would seriously consider.

Service-oriented sub I am not.

Authority

Authority is something I have always struggled with in one way or another.

When I was young (under 13/14) any authority figure intimidated me. I was deathly afraid of making the people unhappy with me, and I would do anything in my power to make them happy. For some reason if said authority figure was a man, their intimidation level was nearly 10 fold compared to normal.

This was something that agitated me immensely, but I didn't know how to stop it. It was an unhealthy fear of people "in charge" and I couldn't seem to shake it...

Sore

After all these weeks wondering if D would fulfill his obligations in correctly Dom-ing me, I was finally able to see for myself.

Turns out? He was totally up for the task.

I am so sore right now that sitting down writing this blog is uncomfortable, to say the least. I have a pretty high pain threshold, therefore don't be all "if you can sit the afternoon afterwards, it wasn't hard enough!" cause... well... you'd be wrong. It was by FAR the worst spanking I've ever gotten. I was in SO much pain that had I chosen to have a safeword, I would have used it.

Now onto the subject on why I chose to not use a safeword...

Sleepy Time

I either do two things when I'm anxious. I either clean.. or sleep. Today was a sleepy anxious day, apparently.

We didn't end up cleaning all day cause Jo was tired and didn't feel like going through all the crap that she'd have to go through to clean up the living room/dining room.

I didn't argue.

I slept for a few more hours, ate lunch, slept again, woke up a little bit when Dad and Jo went to dinner, slept more, then woke up around 8 and ate dinner and got up to take a shower.

Unproductive. Day. For. The. Win.

But yeah, so before I go to bed tonight I'll be straightening my room. I don't need any more punishment than I already have coming to me...

UGH

Fuck me. Fuck me sideways. Word of the day: Retardation.

I have a total of 4 rules:

1: No texting and driving
2: Go to bed when instructed
3: Go to work on time
4: Don't call out of work

That's about it. Well, last Saturday this Dom I've been talking to lately was supposed to come visit. Shit happened and he was unable to come so we postponed it to this upcoming weekend. I already had a good sized whuppin coming to me.

See... I have a problem with pushing boundries until I'm sure that they aren't going to budge. Unfortunately, this tendency gets me in tons of shit cause I repeatedly disobey a rule in order to figure out if there's any loophole. I'm also very stubborn and have a dominant side to my personality, therefore only strong dominants can control me. Don't be fooled, I am all sub. I don't switch or Top at all; but to be in charge of me, I have to know I'm safe... even from my own stubborness. (as weird as that sounds o.0)

Well, this past week has been a bumpy road in regards to following rules. I've almost been late a few times, I stayed up past curfew, and I texted two times while driving. The texting/driving thing is a BIG deal to D, so I'm in major shit for that...