Antsy

So, these last couple days have been crazy in my head.

I'm probably the only person ALIVE that goes through the mental gymnastics that I go through, but oh well lol. This happens nearly every time I receive any sort of spanking/punishment from someone, and I'm not sure why it happens, so I'm going to try to self-analyse this shit to figure it out.

So here's the cheese; I get whupped for whatever reason, be sore and determined I'm going to be good, a couple days pass and I feel this nervous anxiety that makes me want to push buttons/break rules/be a smartass/get in trouble. This happens EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

I thought for a while that it was something that only happened when I got online spankings (cyber'd out.. don't judge lol) cause they weren't real and I didn't actually feel it. Turns out I get the same feeling when it's a real life spanking.

I have an idea as to what it could be, but it's personal to me... I feel dumb thinking/feeling this way, but as a close friend of mine says "You can't control what you feel." So here goes, feel free to run screaming in the opposite direction lawl.

It feels very... intimate when I'm getting spanked (even cyber sometimes) and I rarely am ever intimate with people. I get attached to people when things get intimate, and I rarely let myself get attached to people. When it comes to being antsy afterwards, it may just be me wishing for the intimacy but not being able to ask for it like any well-adjusted individual. Therefore.. continuing with this theory, pushing boundaries and acting out would be the quickest way to attain the intimacy without have to acknowledge the fact that I need it/want it.

Nahh, couldn't be that complex... maybe I'm just a pain slut lol.

I want this to be said; I feel like I'm sounding all freakishly clingy and I really hate it. I've never liked cling and I know it isn't appreciated by other people, so I don't like displaying anything that could be taken that way. But this is my blog.. these are my thoughts.. don't like them? Don't read.