Stupid Ranting

Warning to all followers, this is just an emotional rant. For your own good, please do not click "Read More" if you a) don't care about my emotional tangents, b) will unsubscribe to my blog because it isn't about sex/spanking.

Starting Over

So, I just joined Livestrong.com again, and I'm going to start watching what I'm eating... again. I've let myself gain waaaaaayyy too much weight these past couple of months. I know how I did it before, and I know I can do it again, I just need to keep my head in the game.

I'm going to set some goals for myself, and reward myself when I hit them. I already have some rewards that will just happen when I lose the weight.

(e.g. Getting into the smaller sized jeans I can't fit into anymore, get into the brown dress I described a while back, have more motivation and energy, be smexy for mah boyfriend, etc.)

I know what I need to do. I just really hate rules and regulations... it has to be a feeling for me, and now it's back and I'm going to push it as far as I can. My methods of losing weight aren't the best, but they work for me. I lost 30lbs last time, and I was only half-heartedly trying... who knows what I can lose this time!

I hate looking like I do right now. I'm going to change it. Mark my words, dear readers, I am going to change it.

Sick and Missing D

So Thanksgiving with the family was amazing. We did Christmas and birthdays while we were there, and it was absolutely amazing.

I also came to the realization that my absolute hatred for older men that resembled my grandfather is now non-existent. I was starting to see it when I met D's parents and didn't automatically hate his dad for having knee problems.

The only thing that could have made it better would have been me not getting sick.

But no, I just had to go and get sick like it was going out of fashion. I feel like shit and just want to die. I can't even sleep cause I can't breathe.

UGH.

AND on top of all that, I just really wish D was here. Just to cuddle with, get held, comforted... blugh. And he's all the way in IL. Stupid friggin face.

It's also raining.

Thanksgiving

Like I've said in recent posts, I'm not going to be in town this Thanksgiving, and I feel obliged to make a "What I'm thankful for" post beforehand.

We're leaving tomorrow night, so sometime today I need to get the lead out of my ass and actually wash some clothes so I can pack.

But before I get to actual work, I think I'm gonna get to what I am thankful for this year.

1: I am obviously thankful for my awesome boyfriend.
                  I'm thankful that we get to see each other, and that we found each other.

2: I am thankful that I wasn't seriously hurt in my car wreck.
3:I am thankful for my family being there for me when I need them to be.
4:I'm thankful for all my friends that I've made throughout the year.
5: I am thankful for my snake. She's my baby. :)

Survival is My Strong Point

So, good news!!

The rubber thing didn't hurt at ALL as much as I thought it was going to! It was very stingy, but I LIKE stingy, so D decided it wasn't a good match for what we were going for.

Don't let me get too ahead of myself, there's a lot more to tell!

So, like I said in my last post; I met his parents for the first time yesterday.

THEY ARE SO CUTE!

 We met up at the library and went straight to dinner. His mother is a coupon-er and it's adorable. I had only been to Red Lobster a couple times before last night, but it was really good. Dinner wasn't NEARLY as awkward as I originally thought it was going to be; which was delightful.
D took me to see Immortals. It was an interesting movie. I flailed. While we were there, we made fun of the people lining up outside the theatre for the Breaking Dawn midnight showing. Great bonding moment.

I got to watch hockey with D for the first time at Buffalo Wild Wings. It didn't actually suck as much as I thought it was going to, especially once I got into the game and figured out who was who.

After that we ventured to the hotel; need I say I was not pleased?

T-9

(This was written several months ago but somehow when editing my posts, I reposted this tonight. Enjoy a vintage entry)

Boy, I wish time would go by faster! I have 9 more days to wait until D gets here! Actually... not even that long. If it becomes the 12th in app. an hour and a half then there are only 8 more days!!

Hip, Hip, Hooray!

Honestly, I am totally stoked. I'm even more excited this time around than I was the first time he came down. Sure I'm dreading the spanking about 1000 times more this time, I am excited about him being here even more than that. Talking on the phone, as much fun as that may be, doesn't have ANYTHING on actually BEING with someone.

Likewise, it's even more if you are in a relationship with said someone. Meh, long distance relationships are not as much fun as they let on. :\ Meh, meh, meh.

Don't get me wrong! I sincerely enjoy D and my relationship, it's just I wish we didn't live so far away from each other and we were able to see each other more frequently. Yet another reason I'm excited about going away to college this fall; D and I will be able to meet up half-way, instead of him having to drive the 5 odd hours to visit me.

Teh excite.

Tomorrow's the Big Day!

Well, technically... today, since it's after midnight, but I haven't slept yet so I still consider it 'tomorrow'.

But anywho, I am totally pumped. It seems like it's been SO much longer since I last saw him than it actually has; more than likely the cause stems from so many failed plans. I half expected him to tell me that this time wasn't going to work cause he had to work.

Red Headed

I finally got my hair coloured. I've been wanting to get it done for a while now and just hadn't been able to find the funds/time to do it. I then remembered that my friend (who just recently graduated from cosmetology school) owed me some money, and I figured it would be a good time to pay her a visit.

Hopeful Again!

D and I were talking tonight, and I've totally had my timing mixed up. We aren't going out of town till the weekend of Thanksgiving, so it isn't THIS Wednesday, it's next.

D brought up the confusing matter and I about squealed when he suggested us get together this next week. OMG ya'll... totally awesome. I'm seriously pumped again.

I'll write again soon. :)

Long Time No Blog

So, nothing really has happened in my life here lately except my boyfriend liking work more than spending time with me. :p
Just kidding.

Sorta...

I've been reading more since I broke my hand. I have read Kiss - from Ted Dekker, and a good chunk of The Story of O - by Pauline R'eage. The story of O is moving by soooo slowly, and each scene I can just see what went on in the movie, which is terrible.

Finished

So, here is the second time in a row that D is cancelling out on our plans to hang together.

I knew it wasn't going to end up happening. This fucking blows.

Whatever.

Holy Jesus Christ

There are problems at hand. One of which being the fact that my boyfriend/Top is a creative fuck and instead of buying a rubber implement, he was going to find one himself.
Rubber thing.

He works at a supermarket place and these little fuckers came in on a shipment of pallets. I don't think you all realize just how bad that is for me.

Car Crash

Hello, everyone.  So, I just had an adventure.
Apparently, when you lose control of your car, it is no bueno.

Conversation and in SO much trouble

So D and I were just talking. Like I stated in my last entry, we hadn't talked in several days and I was literally thinking that he didn't care. Well, I found out tonight that he even knew how many night it'd been since I called him last, which made me feel much better.

I was missing talking to him immensely, and just the *thought* that he wasn't missing my calling him was upsetting me.

We got to talk about work and my orientation today, and everything was hunky dory until I asked had he ordered anything off of cane-iac in the time we'd been out of communication. Wull, apparently asking that to a Top is NOT the best way to go about NOT telling them you'd broken the biggest, worst rule you could have broken. (And even worse when you're a "go big or go home" type of person.)

"Since You've Been Gone"

So, 'been a while since I've blogged for all y'all. So sorry to disappoint.
I haven't talked to D in several days. I've been spending a lot of time out with friends this past week or so, and when I'm out I don't call cause he gets mad when I call too late.

I don't even know if he cares.
Lately the only things our conversations cover are things about our jobs... then... nothing.

He doesn't want to see me apparently, I really wanted to go up and see him this weekend (been planning it since last month). I know he told me that there were black dates where he couldn't ask off, but he's usually off on the weekends.

Fuck, he doesn't even ASK off to come see me/me see him. He says they won't give him any hours if he asks; so it's all by chance on when we see each other.

I asked him probably once a week or so until last week, when I brought it up a few times. I just didn't want him to forget to check when he got to work. He responded like it was a bother for him to do that, I mean... I guess it was. I shouldn't have asked so much.

It hurts more to call him and us not talk about anything than for me to just not call.

I shouldn't be calling when baseball is on, or whatever... he just goes to bed earlier than I do cause his hours are so erratic. But whatever.

I just... I really want to see him. And as 'needy' as that may seem, I can't help it. I miss him, and I just don't think he even feels the same way. Lately it just seems I'm more of a bother than anything, and I may be wrong about this, but that is the vibe I get when we're on the phone and he doesn't even make an effort to keep the convo up.

See, if we were ONLY fuckbuddies, I wouldn't be phased by this kind of thing. We wouldn't be "together" therefore I wouldn't feel that we had ANY obligation to each other.

The only thing?

We aren't.

And fuck, he won't even READ my damn blog.

Ugh, ranting isn't making me feel any better, it's just making me cry, so I'm going to just leave it at that. Thanks for reading, and I'm sorry this was a complete estrogen-filled hate blog, I'll write happier/more raunchy things soon.

Adios.

Asleep I Am Not

I was supposed to be asleep like... 2 hours ago.
Asleep... I am not.

To my defense, I tried to sleep. I did. And it just was not happening.

I have a job interview tomorrow, and I am totally excited.

I've worked at the same grocery store for over 3 years and am still being paid total shit. "Where working is a pleasure"... pahshaw.. whatever.

I am going to miss the coworkers I've worked with for so long, but now I've gotten to the point where I feel comfortable asking them if they want to hang out away from work, so I don't have to be so sad about leaving them.

Perfectly Perfect

So D and I had a perfectly fun conversation.

I've been having sort of a bad week this week, and I was afraid that D was going to be his quiet self and not talk on the phone for any amount of time. While I love talking to the guy, the best convos happen when BOTH of us are conversing with the other.

We were discussing adult matter: ie money and jobs.

I told him about the credit card I got a couple weeks ago. I actually thought I would get more of a tongue lashing from him than I actually did. He just murmured something about it being a "recipe for disaster" and asked how much 'in the hole' I was.

PHEW

So tonight was the night D said I was going to be writing lines, well guess who isn't writing lines right now!!

MEEEEE!!!

I haz teh excite.

That is all.

Just Kill Me Now

So my dear boyfriend is planning on getting some new implements before our next meeting. Well, I took a gander online before I went to work to get the picture of what exactly he was thinking about buying.

I had forgotten just how WICKED the damn thing was.

Extreme Evilness That Is Death

Yeah, if you're a sub/bottom then you know exactly how horrible that thing will feel. If you are a Dom/Top then stop looking at the damn thing already and wipe your chin.

News

So today was friggin tiring. I'm totally over this whole "working for a living" thing. I am starting to think I would much rather just have money to spend and that's it. Meh.

Anywho, so in regards to D and I things are pretty much going back to normal. Things have been kinda bumpy with us (in my head) since the big talk that I freaked out about and blogged immediately afterward.

Part of the feeling that things are better now, I think, go directly to the fact that he's taking charge again. I mean he's been "in charge" the whole time, but it wasn't exercised too often. He hadn't made me call him Sir, or made me write lines, or such whatnot in a while; and while I loved it cause I wasn't having to do things I buck against/hate, I think subconsciously I missed him being Dominant.

All Great Things Come To An End

So for the last month or so D and I have been in this Domination limbo where I know that he could come up and be all Dommy if he so desired, but I don't really expect it all that often. I've also been pretty good lately, only minor incidents plagued my otherwise pure slate.

Well... All good things come to an end, eh?

I have to secretly admit to y'all that I've been sorta kinda waiting for D to 'put me in my place' so to speak. For him to let me know in no uncertain terms that HE was in charge, and that I was going to obey him.

I like to think I don't want it, but then I don't get it and I get slightly dissatisfied. That unsatisfaction grows until I find myself doing things on purpose to get him to do something about it.

Call me 7, i know lol. What can I say?

Long time no see!

News of the day... I HAVE FOLLOWERS!!!

I'm so happy, y'all have officially made my day lol.

Anywho.

So the trip with D was pretty cool. Metropolis is absolutely not as exciting as the people and fliers would have you believe. D and I did all the tourist-y stuff, even went down to Vienna.

Okay, the Vienna thing was my fault.

Apparently Paduca is the place to go when you're in that part of IL, since they have actual STUFF TO DO. They have a mall, a movie theatre, etc that is good for actual fun, not just a small town with a tall man, two museums (they use the word loosely), and a bunch of dirt.

I had been told several times about Paduca.

I have no idea how Vienna stuck in my head.

Therefore, D and I made our 'adventure' into Vienna which turned out to be a slightly more concentrated nothing than Metropolis. We drove around a LOT on this past trip.

Zzzzzzzzz's

Wow... today was SUCH a long day. I worked my BUTT off, and I still got out of work later than I was scheduled. I was supposed to get out at 2, and I got out just before 4. Yeah yeah, it isn't ALL that impressive to all of you who work 10+ hour shifts, but damn... it sure was hard for me.

I got through it though... that's all that counts.

Tomorrow was a scheduled day off, but my boss asked me to come in until 12 since they fired someone that decorated today... One of my friends too. :\

I'm glad I took D's advise and went on ahead to bed shortly after we got off the phone. I was going to just stay up and sleep all tonight and tomorrow (since I'd be able to sleep in since I had the day off at the time) but D didn't think it sounded like a good idea. He didn't make me go to bed, mind you, he just suggested it. He might have also made it seem like a stupid idea to do otherwise, but I digress.

God, what a crappy day. Dx

My day started out with me not feeling well. I slept until I HAD to get up, around 9:30, and moaned and groaned around until I got everything together and left. I think I'm having emotional backlash from yesterday's therapy, cause my emotions have been SHIT today.

I ate a crap-load of McDonalds before work, which made me feel better as long as I was eating, but then made me feel even worse emotionally after I finished the last bite.

I went into work, and a bigwig came in and changed something stupid, so all day I felt like I was in the way/annoying/not doing anything. I did what I could, but there was enough help without me there, and there's just so many things to do over there.

I got to talk to one of my friends at work... that was fun. He's one of the guys I miss from up front. Joe* is about as southern as you can get, and while this would usually make me retch, it's just him. It would be weird for him to be any other way, really.

Spanko List

Seeeeveral, several months ago in fet, I found a forum that asked "What is your spanko list?" Or something of the sort. I hadn't really thought about my answers to said question until last night D and I were talking and he brought up one of them.

I remember thinking at the time that I should do a blog post about mine, therefore I could come back and add on to it when something else sparked my fancy/I actually did something on the list.

I have a love/hate thing going on with the list I am about to put down. See, when I write it down, it is still just an idea. Once D sees it and thinks it sounds like a fun thing to do, it no longer is just an idea, it becomes reality... fast.

It's pretty much the same paradox about being a submissive and being... well... me. Yes, I want to be spanked, I want all these horrible things... but on MY time. But then of course, I don't actually want it when I want it all the time, cause that takes the fun away from being made to do something I don't want to. GAH CONFUSING SELF.

Back to Normal

So, D and I finally got together and were able to figure out what the fuck was going on in his head, and what was going on in my head enough to figure out why the other person was so confused.

Anywho, things are thankfully back to normal, and I'm not being emotional for no reason. :D

So lately I've been having these weird flashback sort of things that make me feel like I'm going to throw up. They are very unpleasant, and come up at the WORST times. I just had it happen while I was requesting the weekend after next off, so I could go see D. Good thing my stomach was empty, or I'd be cleaning up some mess right about now.

But yeah, so D and I are back in good-standing which makes me a very happy Megyn.

Contemplative

So D and I just had a pretty interesting conversation, and while I'm not a fan of airing out dirty laundry to society at large, I'm going to just let my thoughts conjure into sentences on this certain blog. Feel free to disregard and ignore if you must.

Thank you.

Soo, anyways... back to the conversation.

Things were fine, just like normal convo. I was telling him about Hustler and their assortment of leather implements and the like, which turned into a convo about if we would ever be able to spend more than one friggin night together. Then it took a surprising turn when D started talking about how the relationship is probably not going to work out in the long run.

While this may be true, I mean... anything could be true under the right circumstances, and I can see where he's coming from with us being so far apart, I still don't agree. I mean obviously if both parties aren't trying to make it work, it won't; but I don't think the distance thing should weigh in that much. It seems to really bother D, and while it DOES bother me a lot, I think it may bother him more? I don't know, I'm not in his head.

Waking up

This morning I have been engrossed in thinking about the conversation D and I shared last night before I was so unceremoniously sent to bed. :p

Dude, last night I felt like a little girl half the time. I mean, not in a bad way... it was interesting, to say the least.

I swear, just as I start to figure D out, he pulls another punch, and I love it all over again.

GAWWWW I have to friggin cut down FOUR stupid bamboo things!

~MIFF~

AANNNDDD he told me that I'd "better not forget them" cause the hiding I'd get from them wouldn't be shit for what I'd get if I didn't bring them. AAANNNDDDD he used "do as you're told" which makes me melt at the same time that it makes me want to buck against it with a fervor.

Long Time No See ;)

Wow, so tonight I was able to talk to D again. It was fantastic.

He was out of town for about 4 days, then it took another 2 days for me to finally catch him awake/at home. Sure, only 6 days, but when you're used to talking to someone every day, anything more than a day or so seems like forever.

Anyways. I called him last night, and also got to talk to him tonight, and it reminded me just how much I sincerely enjoy talking to him. I have a short term memory, don't judge lol.

Anywho, so we got to talk and it was amazing. Wull... other than the fact that I found out just how in trouble I am already. I had forgotten about 2 things I did (went negative in bank account and lost meds) so I didn't think I was in all that much trouble.

I told him yesterday about a couple times I was late to work. He's big about that kind of stuff. One day I was apparently 3 hours late, but I don't remember it. I think it was one day that I didn't know I worked? I almost remember already being at dinner when I got the frantic call that I as supposed to work, but I really don't remember when it was that I was a whole 3 hours late.

I. Am. Inviencible.

I totally got through yet another HUGE beating!

I ended up bleeding, and D is a really awesome person, and decided to cut the punishment short. He didn't stop right away, and I ended up getting another 50 or so, but was still a LOT better than I had coming to me.

There was a comfy chair in the room, kinda an arm chair, that I had to bend over to part of my punishments. Wow... had I not been totally focused on the absolute AGONY I was going to be feeling, I would have thought it to be TOTALLY hot. I've always wanted to bend over something that was not easy to escape from and propped my ass up high. It was both, and I think that D is going to use a chair like that in any situation he can.

Wull, after the punishment part passed, we were just chillin together, and DAMN son, I was in some sort of mood.

Insomnia + working early + wasting time

So, I was going to be getting up here in about 45 minutes, but since I slept like a beast yesterday I was unable to fall into slumber tonight.

Could this have anything to do with my taking myself off my anxiety medicine? Nahhhh.

But yeah, so I orgasmed about 10 times probably in an hour's time and I couldn't sleep afterwards. I tried for like an hour and it just WASN'T HAPPENING.

It's weird though, I'll be going into work today for a pretty long shift, without any sleep. I used to do this last summer, way before I became involved with D. He won't be all that pleased when I let him in on the little tidbit of info, but what else can he do right now? Threaten to spank me more? I'm pretty sure I maxed out that little number.

I guess he could make me kneel in the corner more, which granted would SUCK monkey balls, isn't much of a deterrent.

Weird mood

So, for some reason I have woken up this fine day in the weirdest mood ever. I feel kind of bad because my boss called earlier about me coming in to work since someone didn't make it, and I was sleeping at the time and totally missed it.

Scratch that, I don't feel "kinda bad" I feel horrible. Here I am trying to impress my bosses and shit, and then I don't even answer the phone call. Ugh... fuck a duck.

One of my old coworkers wants me to babysit her boyfriend's little girl while he takes her out for her birthday. Apparently the little girl (5) really likes anime and stuff, so atleast I'll be able to keep her occupied if I draw something for her.

Atleast I'll get paid, right?

All this time I've been excited about D coming to town and have been happily avoiding the fact that I am going to get the worse beating I've EVER gotten. On the contrary, here lately that's been what I've totally zoned in on. It's bad enough it's going to happen, let alone the fact that I have to wait for it. *miff*

Decorating and Excitement

So, this past Saturday I got to decorate cakes!!! It was SO friggin much fun, dude. I was there from 5-2:30 and the time just FLEW by, man. FLEW. I can't wait until I am over there all the time and I get to do the stuff every day I work. I am friggin pumped.
I know that eventually I am going to get tired of it, and will start asking for another job at work, simply because I am not kept entertained for very long usually; but I will enjoy it while I can, and will enjoy it thoroughly.

Overall things are going very well for me. I mean, now I have an awesome boyfriend that I actually really like, I am finally getting the job I really want, and I am finally getting friends and hanging out with people.

I am totally pumped about D coming into town. Just 11 more days!!! WOOT.

Sure, he's only going to murder me once we escape the family and get back to the hotel, but I'm still excited!!! ^_^

Fucked Up

So, I knew when I had D read my last post, that I was going to be in mountains of shit, but I don't really think I thought it out all the way.

Because... dude... I'm way up shit creek.

He isn't even giving it a number, he's just gonna spank me until he gets tired. I am so not looking forward to our little "talk", even though I can't wait til he gets here. Ugh.

I felt really bad about it when he first found out, because he was like "Are you trying to prove something?" I felt soooo bad and I've been thinking about that question a lot.

No, I'm really not trying to prove something to him, it's just I have a cycle of obediance. It is nearly impossible for me to think something stays the same ALL the time. Sure, I'll know something happens THIS time, but who's to say it'll happen a month from now? And even as consistant that D is, I still haven't gotten it quite through my thick skull that rules are RULES and will remain rules until agreed as otherwise.

Soooooo....

So, lately I've been having problems with the whole not texting while driving thing. I mean, I'm not texting EVERY time I drive, but I've probably sent over 10 texts while in the driver's seat of my car. I'm not really quite sure exactly how to tell D, cause I DON'T want to get in trouble because of it, even though I know it's a rule... and a big one at that.

I'm pretty much just screwed.

I was doing SO WELL! I only have like... a hundred or so, so far, and here I am fucking the whole sha-bang up. I have to tell him somehow, but I really... REALLY don't want to.

WHEW

Wow, I totally missed blogging the week I was in Florida! Woww... Was my trip informative!!

I was going down to Florida to visit with an online friend I've had for about 2 years, and already met once. I spent 5 days at her house.

You all know the phrase, "The best way to lose a friend is to move in with them"?

Well, I found out why that phrase is so accurate. Kay and I are still friends, close ones in fact, but we both have realized that we could NEVER live in the same household. We both have strong personalities and like winning arguments; and to each other refuse to be the passive one to calm the tension.

Don't get me wrong, I still love her to death, but I about killed her while there lol.

Finkin wiff mah brain

So I follow a good handful of blogs, and even though I don't have a SINGLE FOLLOWER!!! I don't let that get me down, and I continue to write here for the entertainment of myself and D. So there. Hmmphh..

ANYWAYS! Where I was going on that before I started ranting, is that I was reading something and it made me start thinking. Now, the person who writes the blog I'm about to quote is a slave in a O/p relationship and is talking about her feelings toward choices. The sad part is that it somewhat applies to me as well.

Lately, I’ve had far too much autonomy, and for too many choices, and it is fucking. me. up. Give me a choice and I’ll choose the opposite of what I know is wanted, and often the opposite of what **I** want, just because choices piss me the fuck off. <Under His Hand, kaya>

I totally get this. While D and I aren't in anything close to an O/p relationship, and are not aspiring to ever plunge into that type of relationship, I totally get what she is talking about here. Choices, on their own, do not "piss me off" like she states, but I would, overall, prefer to just be told. I'll try to talk D out of things I want sometimes, just to see if I can do it.

There was also a quote that she put that made me think.

Eughhh...

So, I'm hopin' that D doesn't decide today is the day that he is going to come read my blog before we talk, cause I am seriously digging myself a good-sized grave here.

I'm not sure what part of me decided that not rescheduling the traffic-school date for a day that I didn't work was a good idea, but apparently it was a good-sized part of me, since I didn't call in and reschedule again. Therefore today, instead of going to work, I am going to call out and go to the traffic school instead. I can not call in today and request a reschedule, because it is too late; I should have called yesterday, but I didn't.

Made it!

I officially made it through the spanking ALIVE!

Wull, seeing as I didn't end up getting the almost 400 spanks I had coming to me probably had something to do with it. I honestly don't think I could have ever made it through the whole thing. Apparently right now my pain tolerance is 2 out of 10 to what it normally is.

Why?

Who knows, my body does things without my permission sometimes... dumb ole body. :P

But anyway, I was like... yelping at just the hand... OVER the jeans! I mean fer cryin out loud. o.O

One more day!

One more day 'til I get to see my D!! YAY YAY YAY YAY!

All day I've been sort of "meh" but as the day wore on, I've gotten more and more excited about his arrival. Tomorrow I will work until 6, and I will sleep, and the very next day he will be here!! YAY

While I am not looking forward to the punishment I have coming to me, I AM looking forward to him being here and spending time with him in person.

-squee!-

I'm bummed cause here I was being actually REALLY good for how I usually am... I mean I went 9 days without getting into any shit!! But then I had to go too fast and get the damn ticket.

Ticket

So, who decided today would be a good idea to get a speeding ticket? Apparently I did.

Today was already pretty horrible. I haven't been able to find my phone so I slept like shit last night cause I kept thinking I had overslept. Then when I went to work everything was okay before I actually started the shift, but after I clocked in things turned to shit. I had a ton of things I had to do before I even started cooking, and then it turned out that my sink is broken and won't work properly.

I started cooking after working for 2 hours on the other crap and when I went to the bathroom after my first round, the little girl in the next stall kept looking under the wall at me! I just stared back like "WTF are you doing!?"

Ren Fair

So today was a pretty fun day, I went to the Renaissance festival, which was SO MUCH FUN! I ended up spending quite a pretty penny though, cause I bought a long skirt, a corset, a hair thing, and an ornamental piece for my forehead. While, I would not normally spend SO much money at a fair-like place, today was an exception because I am trying to gather up my costume for when I join SCA.

The corset I got made my boobs look HUGE. I already have big boobs (DD to DDD), but them paired with something that sinched my waist.... damn son. I was hawt. :3

I got SEVERAL looks and comments about how much the corset helped shape what my moma gave me. One lady even came up with her two friends and asked if they (my boobs) were real. I nearly DIED. I told them that YES my boobs were real, and that a corset will work wonders lol.

So tired!

So wow, I've been playing a video game on my computer for the last couple hours and they just FLEW BY I tell you! It's nearly 2am!! GAH! And I was TIRED today! Jesus!

Anywho, I just thought I would come on in and say hullo before I fell into unconsciousness.

D was a sleepy-head today, so I was unable to talk to him... sad days. But that just means I get to talk to him tomorrow about all the things I was going to blab about today! YAY!

And for the record, I am excited about Friday like no other lol. EXCITEMENT! YAY!

Okay, before I continue in this rediculous fashion, I am going to hit the hay. G'night!

:D

Hola

So, today has been a pretty chill day. I woke up around noon (from a horrible dream, which is why i remained awake) and got on the computer and dicked around for a little while. I cut my bangs a little bit, and now I'm getting ready to go to my friend's graduation!

I've decided to wear a dress so I can show off my tattoo on my shoulder. >:3

I graduated from the homeschool place that she is graduating from, so nearly everyone there will recognize me and see the tat. Am I being dumb and immature and rub-it-in-their-christian-faces? Why yes.. yes I am.

Ugh, I'm getting hungry. I haven't eaten anything since lunch yesterday, I'll probably eat tonight with the group of friends if they eat, otherwise I think I'll just eat tomorrow.

Wow, this is a random blog post lol.

I might take a nap.

This sounds like a plan.

FRUSTRATION

So, since when do I watch spanko p0rn and feel uncomfortable!? SINCE WHEN!?

UGH

I watch it and I feel all bleh inside cause I KNOW I am going to be feeling THAT EXACT THING in like a week and a half! I've watched several videos and what normally makes me get all horny has completely made me want to run as fast as I can. And FORGET watching videos of people getting spanked by a bathbrush! FUGGITUHBOUTIT!!

Every time I watch one of the videos it makes my stomach churn and I get all nervous cause I KNOW I am going over his lap and going to have to take the amount of beating I have coming to me.

WOE. IS. ME.

Excitement

So who can't wait for next weekend?

ME!

I am TOTALLY stoked about next Friday that I can hardly stand it. It's officially official that D is coming into town next Friday and I am just about to explode from excitement!

I was thinking at work today about the bitter-sweet that is him coming to see me. The sweet part is the simple fact that I get to see him both Friday AND Saturday and I get to hang with him and actually SEE him instead of just hearing him over the phone.

The part that makes the whole thing have a bitter quality, is the fact that I'm going to be punished. :\

See, last time I wasn't able to get into the right head-space to see the whole shindig as punishment as much as just getting a really bad whuppin. This time I don't think that will be the case. I am not trying to show him how tough I am, or how high my pain tolerance is, because he already knows.

YAY

So, tonight was going to either be a very emotional night, or a very good night. Luckily, it was very good.

I went out to eat with my grandmother this evening so I could maybe get some new bras, since the ones I own right now are either falling apart, or too small. She bought me 3 bras at 40% off, so that was fantastic and the conversation during dinner was cordial so I wasn't filled with emotional anxiety the entire time.

The sad thing, though, is that I've gone MONTHS without talking to her more than a few words here and there, and all of a sudden I show up and want her to buy me things. Talk about taking advantage of someone, jeez. She deserves it though, throughout my entire working experience she 'borrowed' money from me, and one year I even ended up buying my own Christmas presents. Therefore I feel no obligation to apologize or spend any more time with her unless I need something.

Good Mood :)

So, I was thinking today at work about how little I talk about D unless I'm saying that I want him to come into town, or saying something that I wish he did differently. Well, this is going to take a little turn and I'm going to talk about him: What I like about him, and what I like about our relationship. :)

I only have another 10 minutes, so I'm going to make it fast. :P

He really does a good job in controlling me, and he now has earned the "right" to be obeyed by me. While this may not always occur, I now CARE about whether or not he is pleased with me. He is fair and even though I exasperate him to no end, he still sticks around and talks to me on the phone.

That said, he actually freaking TALKS to me on the phone! How awesome is that!? The only people I've been able to keep on the phone with me for any time are people who like to talk equally as much as I do, or I was talking about sex the entire time.

Laundry

So, I have a new assignment with laundry which sucks cause I don't want to do it... >:\

Man, D has got his Dommy voice DOWN to a science! DAMN. Whenever he starts getting on to me, I feel like a child that's being repremanded! It's a different feeling from when he's using a Toppy voice which turns me on. The Dommy voice/scolding voice makes me feel TERRIBLE... FAST.

I should just do the damn laundry, I mean fer crying out loud, Megyn! For a little bit D was like "GAH I've given UP!" about the laundry stuff, but apparently he hasn't.

He warned there was gonna be a big number added next time if I didn't do the laundry. I already have over 200 coming at the time being, I need to get my head OUT of my ass, and do the stuff he wants me to!

Guilty Conscience

So, I was totally late for work today, and I have no idea how I'm supposed to bring it up to D other than to just tattle on myself. I'm not the girl who usually tattles on myself, and when I did it the other night D was totally weirded out lol.

One reason I told on myself the other night was cause I wasn't going to get in trouble for it ANYWAY since I had a free pass, so why not go ahead and get that out of the way.

Part of me really hates "free-passes", it's a boundary that gets elasticized and I don't appreciate leniency as a rule of thumb. The part of my brain that thinks about rules and such rationalizes the fact that if I get a free pass, even if it's just the next one, then it isn't that important of a rule; so what does it matter if I break it or not?

The way I see it, if it's important enough to make a rule about, then the rule should count right away. That's my two cents...

Lectures

So, it's been a little bit since I've blogged, so I thought I would hop right in with some more ramblings from teh Megyn!

This is a subject I've had rolling around in my head here lately since there have been discussions going along in fetlife about lectures/being scolded.

Personally, it takes absolutely nothing to make me feel guilty. I fall for guilt trips all the time, and I know I do this, although just that knowledge alone helps nothing. So, at first whoever is scolding me makes me feel terrible for whatever it was that I did.

But like I stated... "at first"

Meh :\

So, I got to talk to D again tonight which was nice!

Turns out his boss totally fucked him over in his evaluation today and he was PISSED. Hell, I was pissed for him! He pulls a bunch of shit-shifts and comes in when asked/not scheduled to help THEM out, and they shit on him.

Motherfucking cunts.

I went to work out before work and cooked a chicken dish at work. My day wasn't too eventful except the fact that I ended up leaving late cause I started the last round of the recipe later than I anticipated.

One thing I didn't do, that I was supposed to do, was my laundry. I dislike doing laundry with the burning flame of hatred. I would rather clean the bathroom from top to bottom than do laundry. I really hate that D had taken it upon himself to help me out with my responsibilities cause I keep just getting in trouble for the same shit over and over. >:\

Ugh, the smart thing to do would be just DO the frigging crap, but do I? Of course not, that would be too easy.

Work and Operas

So, who woke up with the burning desire to call out of work?
a) My dog
b) Me
c) My snake
d) Peanut butter

If you answered ANYTHING but B you are ridiculous lol. Except I'm sure it is difficult for PB to get up every morning and sit in the cupboard waiting to be nommed.

Anywho, I was so close to calling out, I even had the phone in my lap staring at me. Waiting to be opened and dialed, begging nearly! My bed was sitting there all lonely and empty, all I had to do was give a short little insignificant pone call and my bed wouldn't have to be alone anymore! I could fall back into slumber and not have to worry about the recipes or customers and I would be well-rested come Monday when I go back into work!

I looked at my bed with lust, but a small nagging voice in the back of my head kept saying... "Aren't you already in enough trouble!?" "How are you going to explain this to D?" and the ever-ready "You'll get in trouble at work too!" Therefore my ass was at the store from 10am to 7pm just like I was scheduled thank you very much.

Who says I don't listen. :P

On another hand, I've been totally stuck in listening to/watching the movie Repo! The Genetic Opera. I just love the darkness and gore of the opera, I'm a sucker for musicals/operas.

Uneventful

So today was a pretty uneventful day, I got up around noon cause my legs were KILLING ME TO DEATH and I went and had chinese food. After that I headed on to work and proceeded to work from 3-8. I ended up having a convo about religion with one of my coworkers who is really cool, and I got to learn a little more about different denominations for Churches. Unlike other conversations about religion, I welcomed this one 'cause he isn't the type of dude to shove the crap down your throat.

Anywho, after I left work I went to the YMCA to work out. That was a lot of fun, I haven't worked out in ages and it was nice to get back into the rhythm of the eliptical again. I was only able to stay for half an hour, but I think I'm setting my goal to be 2 hours minimum each week at the gym.

I bought this brown-flowery-hippy-lookin dress that I want to get into, therefore I have a goal, and I am DOING it thank-yew-vurry-much. I'm 3x now and the dress is large, so it's not a HUGE goal, but a goal nonetheless.

Strange Meetings

So, I'm trying to waste some time before I call D back so I thought... "Hey, why don't I blog!?" And here we are.

Anywho, so today was an interesting day, to say the least. I got up this morning and got ready to go to a bird show at the state fair grounds. It was really interesting, and as much as I didn't think I was going to like it, I did! I got to hold a few birds and I played with these 3 birds for about an hour I'd say.

I wanted to steal the white one, omg.

But anywho, we chilled around there for a few hours and decided it was time to go, so we went to the snake place (the place I bought Mofo from) and I got her a new house, and some rats. After we left there we went to the grocery store and THAT is where things got interesting...

My brother was really exhausted and was nearly falling asleep in the snake shop so when we got to the grocery store he and I split off from Jo and my Dad to go sit at the tables. Well, we were sitting right where bottled drinks were, therefore I wanted one and asked my bro if he wanted one too. He did, so we picked the flavours we wanted and went to go pay for them.

While I was in line a man came up and asked, "Are you Megyn?"

Pathetic

Do you know who's pathetic? Me.

I had all week to do, not two, not three... but ONE load of laundry and did I do it? No, no I didn't. Am I going to do it now that I'm thinking about it? Probably not. You know why? Because I'm lazy.

On another note, turns out D is out actually having a life, so he's not home and therefore I am sitting staring at my computer wanting to be asleep. I assume I have to go to bed at midnight since I have to get up for work tomorrow, meh.

Meh. Meh. Meh.

I'm trying to waste 40 minutes so I can join my dad in his radio show at ghettoradio.us . It's always a fun time doing the radio show with him. Hmmm... Since I'm trying to waste time ANYWAYS I should probably go ahead and do some laundry... sounds like a plan huh?

Sounds like a shitty plan.

Who's in a blabby mood right now? That would be meeee!!! :D All talkative with no one to talk to except my blog, so blog I do!! YAY

We had Korean food tonight, it was very scrumptious. I enjoyed it immensely.

Worst Night EVAR!

So last night I slept like shit.

For one, I was told to go to bed at 11 since I had to wake up at 6 to get to work on time. Well, I didn't want to go, but after a little bit of whining I laid down.

Time ticked by...

I tossed and turned, trying to find a position that would lull me into slumber, but it didn't come.

After laying there around 45 minutes I decided I was going nowhere fast in my journey to sleep-hood, so I turned the light on and drew a little bit. After I finished I felt the first urge of tiredness and I quickly turned my lights off to sleep.

Right side. Back. Left side. Opposite side of bed. Right side. Arm under pillow. Pillows stacked. No pillow. Laying on giant panda. Laying on arm.

Time to Blog! :D

So this is probably a BAD idea to blog after 1am of a pretty emotional night. My Dad and I talked for a few hours tonight and I crriiieedddddd and his eyes leaked a little... Twas emotional.

Anywho, so that being said... I get pretty wordy and unorganized (yes, more than usual) when I'm under the influence of tired, so just bare with me.

So I was perving around on fetlife today and saw, under a group that I'm in, a thread about having to cut your own switch. Now, this is something that I've thought of on occasion, but never really thought that it would be a possibility so I would quickly dismiss it and go onto other fantasies. Though... now that there's D in the picture... it could become a possibility at some point and as much as I dread the day, I can't help but get all hot from the mere THOUGHT of it.

Spanking Implements

So I was perving around today online in between laundry loads and found a website with leather spanking implements in it. Now... I know that these websites are easy to come by, but this one was interesting since the part I clicked on singled in on implements used for DD(Domestic Discipline).

I'll put the website at the end of this blog for those who may be interested in viewing. The website is based in London I presume (Since it's called 'London Tanners') so the money increments are in pounds instead of dollars. I like looking at implements to get ideas for other implements I pick up later, or plan to make.

Man... just going through the different series makes my butt throb.

You know the sad thing is that for the time being, only D, one of my friends, and I read this blog so the whole point of me adding in a website with implements would be to show D... Am I a glutton for punishment? I believe the answer is yes.

Yes. I. Am.

Work and Watchin Movies

So, today was pretty uneventful in the long run. I wasn't cramping NEARLY as badly as I was yesterday, so work was nowhere near as terrible as it could have been. I laughed a lot today, which isn't all that different than usual, but that also helped the day go by quicker.

After my lunch break I got sort of hyper and z-snapped at a coworker; a customer saw me and laughed saying something along the lines of "I won't tell anyone you did that..." So I laughed and told her it didn't matter, I do those sorts of things all the time. She just replied with, "Well, I'm not telling anyone anyway.." and I z-snapped at her. She thought it was hilarious and the whole ordeal pretty much made my day.

Also these 'Christian' people came into the store wearing these shirts that read "Have you heard the awesome news!? Jesus is coming back on May 21st!" They were also driving a van that had scriptures and the date painted all over it.

I nearly died.

Cramps and Control

So, to start this blog out I am going to run down why I'm writing so early on a day that I'm supposed to be at work. It is 12:18 CST right now, and I was supposed to work 10-7.

I am having the absolute WORST cramps I have ever had in my entire life. Everything was hurting at work, and it all came in waves. I'd be semi-fine for a couple minutes then it would hit again and nearly make me throw up. I felt like shit on a stick.

I asked to go home an hour and forty-five minutes after I got there cause there was NO way I was going to be able to handle that pain and be any kind of productive. I actually feel bad about leaving, but I really couldn't handle it. OW.

Anywho, back to what I was planning on writing about... I'm going to be writing about the mental gymnastics that I go through whenever I submit to D to better understand it myself. If i get confusing, I am sorry... I write the way I talk lol.

No.

Well... My life just got easier. There was this guy that I fooled around with before D and I got together, and I was having a hard time trying to figure out how I was going to tell him that I was not looking for someone to play with anymore cause I found someone. Turns out his life took a shit turn not too long ago, and he isn't playing anymore. We talked just a few minutes ago, and as much as I hate that shit happened to him, I can't help but to be relieved that I didn't have to say no lol.

Does that make me a bad person?

Probably.

I have a hard time telling people "no", I'm more of a Avoid until they forget about it/change the subject kind of girl, lol. This paired with me being impulsive makes for me being in BAD situations... FAST.

For example, with money...

PMS

So I've been craving random shit for like the past week. I never crave sweet things... it is very rare that I wake up in the middle of the night and the first thought that crosses my mind is "I need something sweet... NOW". I've had this craving as well as Chinese food (which isn't all that rare, actually).

Today, though, the regular PMS symptoms came to head. I realised at work just how much I hate being told what to do by people not in charge of me. When my hormones are at normal levels and I'm not fighting the urge to scream at my coworkers, I can usually just grin and bear it; today, on the other hand, I about chewed Buffalo* out.

I was bagging and it was windy, cold, and raining outside. On a normal day, I love this kind of weather. I love going out and walking in the rain and laughing and having a blast. Today I woke up chilly so wind/cold was no bueno... as well as cold+rain+wind= freezing to death.

I was bagging an order when Buffalo comes up and tells me to go get carts from the parking lot. The words I wanted to say to him would have not been work appropriate so I held my tongue, took a step backward, saluted, and replied "Yes, sir!" about as sarcastic and cutting as I could make it as I turned to go out the door. And the only reason I went out when he told me to was because it was my cart hour and had I stayed inside I would have ended up saying something I would have never regretted... but would have been repremanded for.

Communication

Communication is something that I hold in high regard. I think it is fundamental in any relationship whatsoever, and even more vitally important in a Top/bottom relationship. Every friendship relies on communication of some sort, any romantic relationship requires communication to keep it going, but there are several reasons that I believe communication is vital in a D/s relationship.

Antsy

So, these last couple days have been crazy in my head.

I'm probably the only person ALIVE that goes through the mental gymnastics that I go through, but oh well lol. This happens nearly every time I receive any sort of spanking/punishment from someone, and I'm not sure why it happens, so I'm going to try to self-analyse this shit to figure it out.

So here's the cheese; I get whupped for whatever reason, be sore and determined I'm going to be good, a couple days pass and I feel this nervous anxiety that makes me want to push buttons/break rules/be a smartass/get in trouble. This happens EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

I thought for a while that it was something that only happened when I got online spankings (cyber'd out.. don't judge lol) cause they weren't real and I didn't actually feel it. Turns out I get the same feeling when it's a real life spanking.

I have an idea as to what it could be, but it's personal to me... I feel dumb thinking/feeling this way, but as a close friend of mine says "You can't control what you feel." So here goes, feel free to run screaming in the opposite direction lawl.

Taken

So last night I guess D and I made it official that neither of us are looking for someone else. I'm very happy about it lol.

I'm getting less sore as time is passing, and I'm actually kind of sad. When I'm sore I have a constant reminder of the fact that everything DID happen, and D is in charge now, and he WILL make sure I know it. When I'm not sore, I don't have the constant reminder, and it makes me sad lol.

Besides, I really like being sore lol.

Ugh, by the time I go to work on Thursday I have to have my laundry done. FAIL FAIL FAIL

I sincerely despise doing laundry... I need to hire a maid lol. But yeah, I know noone particularly enjoys doing laundry, but I would rather wear dirty clothes than do laundry. I don't wear dirty clothing simply because I hate doing laundry, but if that was a valid option I would seriously consider.

Service-oriented sub I am not.

Authority

Authority is something I have always struggled with in one way or another.

When I was young (under 13/14) any authority figure intimidated me. I was deathly afraid of making the people unhappy with me, and I would do anything in my power to make them happy. For some reason if said authority figure was a man, their intimidation level was nearly 10 fold compared to normal.

This was something that agitated me immensely, but I didn't know how to stop it. It was an unhealthy fear of people "in charge" and I couldn't seem to shake it...

Sore

After all these weeks wondering if D would fulfill his obligations in correctly Dom-ing me, I was finally able to see for myself.

Turns out? He was totally up for the task.

I am so sore right now that sitting down writing this blog is uncomfortable, to say the least. I have a pretty high pain threshold, therefore don't be all "if you can sit the afternoon afterwards, it wasn't hard enough!" cause... well... you'd be wrong. It was by FAR the worst spanking I've ever gotten. I was in SO much pain that had I chosen to have a safeword, I would have used it.

Now onto the subject on why I chose to not use a safeword...

Sleepy Time

I either do two things when I'm anxious. I either clean.. or sleep. Today was a sleepy anxious day, apparently.

We didn't end up cleaning all day cause Jo was tired and didn't feel like going through all the crap that she'd have to go through to clean up the living room/dining room.

I didn't argue.

I slept for a few more hours, ate lunch, slept again, woke up a little bit when Dad and Jo went to dinner, slept more, then woke up around 8 and ate dinner and got up to take a shower.

Unproductive. Day. For. The. Win.

But yeah, so before I go to bed tonight I'll be straightening my room. I don't need any more punishment than I already have coming to me...

UGH

Fuck me. Fuck me sideways. Word of the day: Retardation.

I have a total of 4 rules:

1: No texting and driving
2: Go to bed when instructed
3: Go to work on time
4: Don't call out of work

That's about it. Well, last Saturday this Dom I've been talking to lately was supposed to come visit. Shit happened and he was unable to come so we postponed it to this upcoming weekend. I already had a good sized whuppin coming to me.

See... I have a problem with pushing boundries until I'm sure that they aren't going to budge. Unfortunately, this tendency gets me in tons of shit cause I repeatedly disobey a rule in order to figure out if there's any loophole. I'm also very stubborn and have a dominant side to my personality, therefore only strong dominants can control me. Don't be fooled, I am all sub. I don't switch or Top at all; but to be in charge of me, I have to know I'm safe... even from my own stubborness. (as weird as that sounds o.0)

Well, this past week has been a bumpy road in regards to following rules. I've almost been late a few times, I stayed up past curfew, and I texted two times while driving. The texting/driving thing is a BIG deal to D, so I'm in major shit for that...